What I think matters.

I don’t want to tell you what I think because you will realize I am not who you think I am. Maybe that is best, since I don’t want to be the person you want me to be. I want to have the feeling I have, and interpret them into what they mean to me, not you, not some higher opinion, some emotional expression, or scholarly dissection of my feelings. Please don’t ask me to formulate my opinions into something other than what they are, my opinions. My precious thoughts that have been formed from my experience of life, from my twisted mind, the pain I feel, the nonconformity that haunts me and what I was taught.

Do not label me. I do not come in proportions, serving sizes, or with instructions. I am not who you think I am. I think I am toxic even to myself.

But you do have the right to believe I am who you think I am, since I don’t show another side to me. I don’t show the vulnerable, confident woman. I do not express the woman I want to be, the woman I feel I am but rather a version of the woman I feel you, yes you and all of you, want me to be. But not you, or you, since this person’s opinion matters more to me…and I can think what I want, even though I feel bound to do it within these boundaries, which only confuses my opinion since it seems very hypocritical to think one way and act another. And I wish I could tell you that I care about what you say, because I do, but I can’t tell you because it will make me open to being hurt.

But I do give, and I give with my heart.